06.23.11

Dearëst Zoë,

Hello, sweetness.  We have had some rough weeks just lately.  I had to leave you for a few days to check into a hospital.  I know it upset you because your Daddy told me you called for me at night.  It upset me too to be separated from you and Daddy, but I wasn't able to be a very good Mommy until I got over the worst part of my illness.  So that's why I left, not because I didn't love you, but because I love you enough to want to protect you from seeing me so sick.  I don't want to scare you and sometimes what I have can be very frightening, even to me.  It's ok though because I'm on the right medicine now and with some positive life changes, I may never have to leave you again.  At least not for the same reasons.  Trust me, there will come a point in your life when you BEG me to leave you alone, but I hope that's not for many, many years yet.



Now that we've got the hard part out of the way, let's talk about some happier things.  While I was gone, you've started sleeping in your own bed.  I was both happy and a little sad about that.  I've grown so used to having you asleep in my arms and waking every time you roll over or bury your fist deeper into the rat's nest of my midnight hair.  My arms miss you, but it makes me so proud to see you climb into your own bed and to realize you are growing up right before my eyes.

We took you to the beach a few evenings ago.  You love the beach.  We had little swimmies for your arms and a blue plastic bucket for you to play with along the shore with me while Daddy swam out in deeper waters.  You weren't having it though.  You ran along the shore calling out to your Daddy so I scooped you up in my arms and waded out past the sand bar to the mid-chest water where Daddy was floating.  You were so delighted.  I was scared, but you are totally fearless.  You reached for your Daddy and clung to me at the same time so that we floated together for a while in a big bear hug.  Your grin was wider than the Mississippi.  It was a postcard perfect Florida sunset; Barbie pink and citrus orange in a softly lavender sky.  In the fading twilight, as we waded to share, you discovered shells and brought me one after another.  All the ones I had always thought ugly or common were made beautiful when they came as a gift from you.
I collected the colorful coquina clams.  I intended to add them into a soup of some kind and then use the shells to make things, but after watching them crawl around in the bucket for a while, I thought their little antennae and feet were too cute and I couldn't kill them after all so they went back into the water.
When we were leaving, I was changing in the woman's  restroom and both your Daddy and I heard you call out "you wight?" which we translated to mean "are you alright?.  We ask you that a lot so I think you've picked it up.  I could hear the childish concern in your voice since you couldn't see me and I answered you "Yes, baby, Mama's alright" and that's the truth. I am alright and I love you. 

All my love,

Mama