The world is a wide and often confusing place, but don't be fearful like your mama often is because it's only scary if you let yourself be scared. I'm afraid I've gotten into the habit of being fearful and it's a rather difficult habit to break once begun so do me a favor dear and just be brave right from the start. You already are quite fearless and I love that about you and I hope I will be able to nurture that trait so that it grows right along with you.
One of my fears is that you will struggle like I do with mental illness. The very words seem to have a taint to them; they send a shiver up my spine both because I often resent the condition in myself and worry about it's affects on you. I do my best to shield you from the full extent of my disorder, including the times that my lows dip into suicidal territory. I don't know when or even if I will talk to you about all this. Your Daddy and I haven't even fully settled on a response for the inevitable "did you guys ever..." when it comes to drug use and other unwise choices. Yes, the truth is sweetness that your Daddy and I did a lot that we hope you never do and I suppose that doesn't make us much different from generations of anxious parents before us. Since I only intend on giving you these letters when you are an adult, I suppose by then you will have your answers already and all of this going back and forth on the subject is a moot point on my part, but it does help me sort out my thoughts. That's one of the reasons I write these letters because I want you to know that your parents, your mama, is only human, prone to mistakes and indecision and all the other foibles of being human. When you are really little, I will have to be your authority figure and make rules and veto things I don't think are safe or good for you and as much as you will resent it at times, I will resent it too because it will mean there will be times you won't like me very much at all. Your love means the world to me and there are few things, if anything at all that I value like our relationship, but while I raise you and put limits on you, there are going to be times that even though I think I'm doing what's right, I will make mistakes and I just pray that when you get older, you will forgive me for those mistakes and know I did the best that I was capable of.
Well, I kind of got sidetracked there, but back on the subject of mental illness. I watched a short documentary today about a little girl with schizophrenia. My heart ached for her and for her family and at the same time, I felt feverishly grateful that isn't something you struggle with or are likely to ever struggle with because these kinds of disorders are generally passed down in families and no one in your family has that. I wish I could say the same for depression.
I have depression and I have it pretty bad sometimes. My brain doesn't always function like everyone else. To be honest, I hate it and I struggle not to hate myself for having it. Some people don't believe in mental illness. They believe it's the devil or they believe there's nothing really wrong with me and if I just tried a little harder to be happy, I'd be ok. In the onslaught of so many opinions it can be hard to hold on to the facts which are:
1. If I don't take my medication, I will become suicidal at one point or another
2. A mood disorder is not an indication of weakness, inferiority or evil anymore than diabetes or cancer
means someone is defective or demon-possessed
3. I am perfectly capable of having a happy, long and healthy life if I take care of myself well
4. Everyone struggles with something
5. People are going to have their opinions, but it doesn't change what I know about myself and what is right
for me
I tell you these things here and now because I want you to know that IF you ever are diagnosed as I am, it's nothing to be afraid. For some people, depression is a natural part of life because life includes the good and the bad, the triumphs and the tribulations. It wouldn't be reality if it was all sunshine all the time. I've struggled for a long time and made things harder on myself because I wouldn't accept my diagnosis and I wouldn't cooperate with treatment. I resented my diagnosis. It wasn't fair that I got saddled with this, but the truth is, life has nothing to do with fairness. It just is what it is and the more you fight and try to shape it into what you think it "should be", the worse you're going to make things for yourself. There's a time and a place to stand up and fight, but you have to make that instinct work for you and not against you. You come from a long line of stubborn-headed fighters and personally, that's something I take great pride in, but the trick is to not be a stupid fighter. Me, for example, I can take that stubbornness and let it work for me as I fight to stay well, fight to get the help I need, fight to beat back the depression and fight my decades-old habit of being afraid. I'm fighting for you. My love for you gives me strength I never would have had otherwise because I think you are so amazing and you make me glad to wake up in the mornings, glad to have another day to experience the joy of being your mama.
I'm sorry that this wasn't a very light-hearted letter today. I promise to think of something more funny to write about for the next one. I love you, Zo-zo, with all my heart.
All my love,
Mama
P.S. I forgot that I wanted to share some art with you that your Auntie introduced me to. I'm not a very religious person, but the picture she painted of Jesus touches me and I think I'm going to print her art out to take it home and show it to you since we have no internet just now.
Art is from http://www.artakiane.com/.
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