Dearëst Zoë,
I've been debating with myself what to share and what not to share with you. It's my hope that these pages will be saved for when you're an adult, maybe even a mother yourself and are capable of knowing me as I am, a whole person with a fair share of faults and bad habits. Until that time, there is much of course that I do try to hide from you because you're a child and I want to protect that very brief but precious time of life known as childhood. I want to share some things with you because I hope it will help you see the underlying factor of some of the mistakes I am certain to make in raising you.
The very first thing I want you to know is that I love you. I loved you from the exact moment the second strip on the pregnancy test turned pink and I will love you just as much every day of my life. Unfortunately, I am not always prepared to express that love. I have days where I feel like I'm wrapped in cotton and everything and everyone feels miles away and it's actually painful to try and interact like normal. There is a lot of conflict in my mind and heart. I feel many powerful negative emotions that I don't understand and can't explain; fear, shame, self-loathing. In those times, it's hard to love or be loved. I don't feel like I deserve it so I withdraw from people. I try not to let this affect my behavior towards you since you're just a little kid and I don't want you to take these mood swings as a rejection, but there are times it's difficult to hold and play and chatter with you as if I was completely fine when I feel anything but.
After so many days dealing with the exhausting internal conflict, thoughts of hopelessness float through my mind. I wonder why I'm here, what's the point of life, what's the point of getting out of bed and going through the same actions as I did the day before and the day before that. I feel like there's no sense in going on. The medical diagnosis for this condition is clinical depression. I have also been diagnosed in the past with an anxiety disorder, OCD.
I worry daily that you might inherit some of these traits or be negatively affected by my behavior. I worry about your future. I love you so much it hurts to think that you may one day be writing down similar words to describe yourself. I pray that you will be a more practical, emotionally stable and content person.
I also pray that you understand one day that if I sometimes seem a little distant, it's not because of anything you've done. Even when all I want is to remain asleep for days and days, I make myself get up and fix something for you to eat, return your smiles, open my arms when you jump into them, and read you bedtime stories every night. There may be days when I only do these things with half a heart, but if it weren't for you, I would probably be doing nothing at all. You are in no way a burden to me. In fact, I think your presence is the shining light I need to stumble out of the darkness towards. I hope that I don't lean on you overly much and make you feel responsible for my well-being because that's a lot to ask of anyone, let alone a child.
You've given me a lot of hope and a strong desire to fight my way through the lowest and darkest moments. As the mama, I've always thought it's my place to be giving you everything; protection, love, comfort, food, moral guidelines, laughter, security and confidence. I fully intend to keep on giving all of those things to you and more, but I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for what you give back to me.
We won't talk about this subject much on here because I want this to be a place of warm and happy memories for you to look back on one day. I also don't want to pretend though that life is always a fairytale of bliss and peace. There are struggles as well, sometimes very serious ones, but the pride I feel in being your mama is one of the most potent weapons I have in dispelling the darkness that at times haunts my soul.
As Aragorn says in Lord of the Rings when facing a nearly impossible battle "there is always hope". It is true, Zoë, there is ALWAYS hope and you, sweetness, are mine.
All my love,
Mama
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