10.21.12

Dearëst Zoë,

As I have told you countless times and will tell you many times more, I am not perfect.  I make many mistakes.  That's partly because everything in life, even parenting, is a process, an evolution if you will, rather than a set of unbreakable rules.  At least I have found it that way.

An area that continues to be murky for me is discipline.  You are typically a very well-behaved child and even when you are not, it takes little effort usually to get you back on the desired path.

There are times when I forget what's most important in parenting you.  I want others to see that I'm doing a good job, by whatever standard they use to measure that.  For some people, that standard is punishment and discipline.  To earn their approval, I have to prove that I am the one in charge, the one in control and I do that by being more authoritarian with you than I would normally feel is necessary.  Afterward, I feel a seed of guilt worm its way into my heart because some part of me knows what I just did was more for the benefit of others than it was for you. 

I don't actually feel the need to be in control all the time with you.  I feel there are times it's perfectly acceptable to let you take the lead, make choices of your own, explore and find the consequences of your actions all on your own.  I feel you recognize your mom and dad and you give us respect and love and what more could I possibly want? 

Yesterday we got into a little scuffle over grapes I told you not to eat.  They had pits.  I told you multiple times not to eat them, but you reached for a handful anyway.  I made an attempt to smack your hand which you snatched away.  I felt it was important to follow through with my intended discipline and so the matter became about not preventing you from eating the grapes but proving that I had the upper hand in authority and power.  I ordered you to come to me.  You wouldn't.  We were in a standoff.  Finally, you took one tiny step towards me and then another with your lips trembling and your hands tucked one in the other at your chest like a penitent.  You asked me in a quavery voice "you won't hit me?" as you kept coming towards me.

I received you with open arms.  I could hear the sighs of disappointment from the panel of critics in my mind.  I had failed to assert my dominance.  I had failed to follow through, but at that moment, what was most important to me was your trust.  You were frightened but still walking toward me.  You were trusting me not to hurt you and that's a trust I don't ever want to break. 

Critics contend that without harsh discipline a child is destined to grow up wild and spoiled with no sense of appropriate boundaries.  Instead of capitulating and trying to prove myself, it's time I take a stand and follow the parenting style that seems best to me even if no one else approves.  My focus needs to be doing what I believe is best for you, not what I think others expect of me as your mother.       

You are one of the sweetest, best-natured, affectionate, well-mannered little children that know.  I am honored to be your mama and I want to live up to that honor.

I love you, sweetness.

Mama